Saturday, 11 April 2015

J is for Judy's jerk — a love letter?

Judy my wifey dearest, 
I'm guessing you'll be a bit surprised to get this letter. It's taken a lot of sessions in therapy for me to understand why you have chosen to break the vow you made to stay by me through thick and thin, but I think I finally get it. Well, sort of. Anyway, the shrink suggested that writing a letter might help, so I'm giving it a shot.

I've loved you ever since that first moment I clapped eyes on you at the marketplace. When I saw you carrying that huge bundle of wood I could tell you'd make a decent wife. The other lads made fun of your whiny voice and your monstrous looks,but knowing nobody else would have you just made me want you more. And Jude, you have to admit that we had a lot of fun times together over the years. All them summers by the seaside, you've got to be grateful for them.

Judy, I miss you. I really do. There's been plenty of times over the years I've been alone in this cell and I've wished you were here to keep me warm or to empty the chamber pot for me. And I never thought I'd miss your cooking but the slop here is even worse than the muck you make. Honest.

I realise now that beating you repeatedly with a stick was probably not the best way to express my love. And I can see how you might have been a bit upset by my whacking the youngun's head against the floor or feeding him to a crocodile to get him to shut up. I probably shouldn't have done that. But Jude, you have to admit it was bloody funny.

Ever your loving husband, 


Song of the Day:"it's nice to be a lunatic"— Hit me with Your Rhythm Stick, Ian Dury and The Blockheads (1978) 


Question of the Day:How do you reckon Judy should respond?



Friday, 10 April 2015

i is for irritatingly irksome — a condolence letter

Image available at
Dear Itsy-Bitsy/ Incy-Wincy/ Ipsy-Wipsy Spider

We truly hope you will accept our sincere condolences and deepest sympathy at the irritatingly irksome existence that countless generations of parents and children have foist upon you. 

Firstly there is the belittling matter of your name. Indeed, we confess to being utterly unsure how best to address you and sincerely hope that we have caused no offence, for indeed our choice may be completely errant and your preferred spelling is perhaps Eensy-Weensy, or even Eency-Weency. It must be maddening to have to respond to so many variations of nomenclature. You must feel it as a sleight to your identity. So, we hope you gain some solace from knowing that someone else acknowledges your irksome position.

Secondly, and most importantly, we want to offer our commiserations for the irritatingly incessant cycle of climbing and then being sluiced down the spout to which you are condemned. You must hate that friggin' rain. Please believe that we know exactly how you feel, for we are doomed to spend all eternity going round and round. 
Yours in misery, 
The Wheels on the Bus

Song of the Day: Set to a whimsical clip I love (filmed in Melbourne): It's Beautiful by Spiderbait (2013)

Question of the Day: Just how many times CAN one rejoice in the fact that the wheels on the bus go around and around?

Thursday, 9 April 2015

H is for Hollywood — A performance review letter

Photo courtesy of

Performance Appraisal

Date:    9 April 2015
Name:  Hollywood

Dear Hollywood:

This letter summarizes the findings of your annual performance review for 2014/2015.
It also sets out the performance goals and expectations that will form the basis of your Performance Appraisal for the upcoming year.

During this current appraisal cycle you consistently met and frequently exceeded all agreed goals and expectations with respect to:
  • exciting and entertaining countless millions of viewers around the globe
  •  satisfying the dreams of a mere handful of hopefuls
  • employing many and varied technicians, writers, artists and support staff
  • inspiring new developments in technology
  • justifying your own existence.

In addition to the above goals, however, you were also expected to address certain weaknesses that have been consistently noted on previous appraisals. Your performance level in attending to these areas of deficiency is unacceptable and significant improvement is required with respect to your:
  • predilection for projects with excessive budgets
  • inability to represent women over the age of 30 as anything other than mothers and caregivers
  • habitual selection of women under the age of 30 to play women over the age of 30, despite also regularly casting adults as teenagers
  • penchant for neat happy endings
  • preference for stereotypes
  • recycling of plots and remaking of previously successful projects.

Over the next performance cycle, you should focus on all areas already listed. Furthermore, it is anticipated that you will examine your unrealistic expectations of the human body and attempt to minimize your bluescreen  ability to create your own version of the universe.

Song of the Day: Celluloid Heroes, The Kinks (1972)

Question of the Day: What would you like to add to Hollywood's performance appraisal?

n.b. This letter was inspired by Michelle's recent post over at Rubber Shoes in Hell

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

G is for Grammar — A get well letter

Dear Grammar
I was saddened to hear that you are unwell. Indeed, the many disturbing reports of your decline have precipitated my writing, for I want you to know that you still have at least one loyal fan. Not someone who uses your name and nuances to strike fear into others. Not someone who uses you as a pointy finger of blame or a ruler for rapping the knuckles of others. Not someone who thinks they’re world-shatteringly stinkin’ smart when they believe they have detected you being mismanaged or ignored in even the most trifling and petty of ways. A grateful fan.  A steadfast supporter.
I admire how you refuse to be utterly predictable: how there’s an exception to every one of your so-called rules. I relish how you can be both simple and complex, and how working closely with you helps me to say exactly what it is I mean. And I revel in how there is always something more for me to consider, how you grow and change. How organic you are.
Please accept my grateful thanks, and my most earnest wishes that you will always have the strength to maintain your steadfast grasp on language.
Your devoted servant,

Song of the Day: HUGE personal fave— Oxford Comma by the wonderful Vampire Weekend ( 2008) 

(Hah... you thought it was going to be London Grammar, didn't you?)

Question of the Day: What kind of relationship do you have with grammar?

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

F is for Foots: Left & Right — A letter of warning

To the Foots – both Right Foot and and Left Foot

Ref: Final Warning for Infringement of the Pedis Code

You are hereby given notice that a charge of failing to adhere to the  Recognised Universal Pedis Code (RUPC) has again been made against you. As this is the third such complaint of inappropriate conduct within the space of just three months, any further breach will result in charges of unlawful behaviour and creating a public nuisance.

You are reminded that according to the stipulations of the RUPC,  you are required to remain firmly planted on the ground unless participating in other legally sanctioned functions, whether these be primary duties (kicking a ball, operating pedals and conducting all manner of transportation ), behaviours of a secondary nature (rubbing cheekily against a partner’s leg, warming oneself by a blazing fire) , or the tertiary traits allowed only occasionally  (being annoying  in bed by positioning yourself when cold against a toasty warm buttock, using big toe as a motivational device for others).

Under no circumstance is positioning yourself in your owner’s mouth acceptable.
Any future infringements of this nature will be dealt with severely.

Song of the Day: Something Stupid — Frank & Nancy Sinatra (1967)

Question of the day:  RUPC — Do you comply?


Monday, 6 April 2015

E is for Ego — a letter requesting return to work

Dear Ego

We trust that this letter finds you with your strength restored after such an extended leave of absence —sufficiently restored that you are ready to return to service.

We want you to know that we understand how, over the past few years, you came to feel that your value was being eroded. And yes, it is true that the space you occupied was greatly diminished by aging. Back when body was in its prime, humility and self-awareness rarely held much sway. Body attracted attention that you clearly enjoyed, mental capacity was at her peak and it would be fair to say that you relished having such a firm grasp of the steering wheel.

Nobody can recall exactly when or how your grip came to be wrested from the controls, but you can be certain that we have come to regret it. Somehow, you not only lost your voice in our discussions about the directions to be taken, you climbed into the backseat, and from there, were eventually lost to us. Well, dear Ego, we miss you.

More than that, we need you. Please come back. We are all too willing to work towards having a healthy relationship. Without you, things are a little wobbly: we are unable to maintain proper balance.

Yours most truly,

Confidence & Sense-of-self 

And as an Aussie who was a teen in Melbourne in the 70s, there can only be this as the song of the dayEgo is Not a Dirty Word, Skyhooks, live in 1976... (RIP Shirl...)

 Question of the day: Should ego return to work or are the other two better off without her?