Do you ever have an
a-ha moment that leaves you wishing that whatever it is had never actually occurred to you, but had remained locked
in the box marked ‘Blissful Ignorance’?
No?
Well, I do. All the
time.
Maybe it’s part of
being an over-thinker.
Maybe it’s because
until now I’ve been lacking in self-awareness.
Or perhaps I’m just weird.
Anyway, as I get older, as inevitably I do, my memory is becoming
shitter and shitter still. If walking determinedly from one place to another
and then standing perfectly still wearing a bemused expression ever becomes an
Olympic event, I’m a shoe-in for a medal. Ditto for the
Where-the-fuck-did-I-put-that World Championships.
So, in an attempt to stem the flow of stuff I used to know into the
Post-menopausal Blackhole — and as part of the therapy needed for me to learn
to tame the Black Dog — I’m having a go at Mindfulness Meditation. Just twenty minutes a day of focussed
brainwork, specifically designed to help me be more calm and aware and
focussed. Brilliant.
I’m a complete novice at this. I’ve never even attended a yoga class.
But I’m learning things about myself already and I’d like to share my first few
realisations.
As the man with the
oh-so-soothing voice croons: ‘Just focus on the breath. Notice the rhythm. Feel
the motion of your body. Relax into the regularity of the pattern…’ this is
what happens inside my skull:
What pattern? What regularity?
No rhythm. I have no rhythm.
How deeply should I be breathing? Crap, I’m
such a shallow breather.
As easy as breathing… isn’t that how the saying
goes? Or is it as natural as breathing? Not relevant… focus on the breath…
Which breath? The in or the out? No, it’s both…
He said both.. In through the nose and out through the mouth… How hard can that
be? … Well, clearly too hard for you, Dickhead, coz you can’t do it right.
Shit, Wendy, get it together… just fill your lungs with air and then
push it out again.
Count… yes, maybe if I count …
Realisation Number 1: I don’t know how to breathe.
The simple task for
yesterday was to be aware of the motion of my body each time I sat down or
stood up. To be present to what I was doing just at those moments. If I could
be mindful of my sitting/standing even fives times in the day, the croony guru
assured me, that would be good. The aim is for those moments to be anchor
points to my being present to my own actions.
My results were
significantly sub-good.
Zero.
Not once did I catch
myself in the movement of sitting. It wasn’t until after my bum hit the chair
that I remembered the task. And by the time I stood up, I’d forgotten again.
Realisation Number 2: I’m a slow learner with a
disconnect between my brain and my bum.
Which leads to Realisation Number 3: This is
gonna be a long journey.
All tips, advice,
suggestions, wise counsel or pointy-fingered cajoling will be gratefully
received.
