I recently discovered that I am
not the only woman in the universe who has had an argument inside her head with
Uppity Cricket, Jiminy Cricket’s annoying older sister.
More than once.
A lot more than once.
Me: Seriously Dude, I’m gonna
bust. I gotta say something…
Uppity: No. It’s OK. Let it go.
Me: But this is, like, the
fifty-squillionth time.
Uppity: All the more reason to let it go. You don’t want to sound like a nag.
Me: No. You’re right. I DON’T.
But I’m about to…
What follows is an oft-repeated not-altogether-totally-unreasonable request like:
Please don’t wipe your hands on
the couch.
Would you mind not leaving your surfboard
in the hallway?
Could you please refrain from
sitting on your sister’s head?
A few times a week, my neighbour
and I walk our dogs the five-kilometre roundtrip to the main road. Naturally, we chat.
Naturally?
Yes, I fully understand that
unless we’re walking fast enough for our conversations to be little more than
random grunts and huffing noises we’re not doing our hearts any good.
Or losing any of the weight you both piss and moan about.
Put a cork in it, Uppity.
Anyway, as I was saying before I
so rudely interrupted myself, we were enjoying one of our walking/chatting/therapy
sessions when my neighbour purged herself of some teen-induced incredulity by
sharing with me her most recent ‘ Could you please not…’ conversation.
‘I couldn’t believe I had to say
it,’ she bemoaned as her little fluffy-slipper dog daintily munched on a lump
of wallaby poo. ‘ I hate being the policewoman. And I just knew I was going to
get the eye-rolling response. But honestly… Where’s the
common sense? I shouldn’t even have to mention it …Would you please not use the white silk cushion as the stable-table for
your bowl of tomato soup? is a sentence that should never have to be
uttered.’
I think she felt better just for
having put it on external speaker to a sympathetic listener.
I think my
mentioning that I’d had to utter Would
you mind not picking your nose and wiping the boogers on the dashboard of my
car? and Could you please not cut your toenails in the kitchen? in the not-so-distant past helped pick
up her mood a little too.
Screw you Uppity Cricket.
