H is for Hollywood — A performance review letter

Photo courtesy of www.discoverlosangeles.com

Performance Appraisal

Date:    9 April 2015

Name:  Hollywood

Dear Hollywood:

This letter summarizes the findings of your annual performance review for 2014/2015.

It also sets out the performance goals and expectations that will form the basis of your Performance Appraisal for the upcoming year.

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During this current appraisal cycle you consistently met and frequently exceeded all agreed goals and expectations with respect to:

• exciting and entertaining countless millions of viewers around the globe
•  satisfying the dreams of a mere handful of hopefuls
• employing many and varied technicians, writers, artists and support staff
• inspiring new developments in technology
• justifying your own existence.

In addition to the above goals, however, you were also expected to address certain weaknesses that have been consistently noted on previous appraisals. Your performance level in attending to these areas of deficiency is unacceptable and significant improvement is required with respect to your:

• predilection for projects with excessive budgets
• inability to represent women over the age of 30 as anything other than mothers and caregivers
• habitual selection of women under the age of 30 to play women over the age of 30, despite also regularly casting adults as teenagers
• penchant for neat happy endings
• preference for stereotypes
• recycling of plots and remaking of previously successful projects.

Over the next performance cycle, you should focus on all areas already listed. Furthermore, it is anticipated that you will examine your unrealistic expectations of the human body and attempt to minimize your bluescreen  ability to create your own version of the universe.

Song of the Day: Celluloid Heroes, The Kinks (1972)

Question of the Day: What would you like to add to Hollywood's performance appraisal?

n.b. This letter was inspired by Michelle's recent post over at Rubber Shoes in Hell