D is for dogs — a letter of response

Dearest doggie-darls

Whilst our media advisers have suggested that we should not risk damage to our on-line profile by publicly responding to your recent deplorable attempt to flame us, we are confident that our overwhelming presence in social media affords us the luxury of a rebuttal without fear of being in any way diminished. And as this communication forms part of a blogging challenge, we have deemed it desirable to do so by dismissing you with a dominance of d-words.

D is for dirty and disgusting: Dogs smell. You cheerfully pass wind in public and, to be utterly frank, entire breeds are guilty of eating poo. And please don’t attempt to deride us for having our dainty noses in the air when your method of greeting each other is nothing short of detestable.

D is for downright dominated: Dogs are willing victims of mind control. You openly demean yourselves for food and allow humans to dress you in stupid clothes. Have you no dignity?

D is for disruptive delinquents: Dogs disturb the peace with their dreadful barking. They also steal from their humans and bury the ill-gotten spoils, demonstrating a despicable lack of respect.

D is for deluded defectives: Dogs mistakenly believe that they offer more valuable friendship and comfort than we do. Totally barking up the wrong tree there you slavering fools… We will explain this to you in four short syllables — Dogs. Cannot. Purr.

D is for deceitful dimwits: Dogs use their tails to deliberately mislead others. Those wagging appendages of which you are so proud are nothing more than defective barometers. Wise up, dudes. Some days truly suck. Get some discernment.

We're going to sign off with one of our greatest social media hits , and  whilst it is our devout hope that you enjoy the song of the day… we’ll be waving our paws in the air coz we just don’t care.

 

And so the D-Dangerous question: Who won the debate?